I read back over my last two posts and noticed how drastically different my attitude and emotions were from one to the next. While it's true that I'm still on a roller coaster when it comes to my feelings, I can honestly say there are many more highs than lows now. I may have periods when I get down and even a little depressed, but these are few and far between compared to four years ago. I've accepted what happened in my life and adjusted to the changes it caused. Now I'm at a point where I feel like it's time for some changes of my own choosing. The problem is I'm not sure what it is I want to change. I love my family, friends, and my children at school, but I have to wonder ... Am I ready for a different job? Do I want a new house? Do I need to move to a new town so I can have a fresh start? It could be one of these. It could be all of these. It could be none of these. I haven't figured that out yet. I just know I feel the need for change.
I've also been contemplating whether it's time to change my attitude about the possibility of a relationship in my life one day. Sometimes I think I'm ready and want that again, but as soon as the thought enters my mind I get scared and slam the door shut on the idea. I've had people tell me the only way to find out is to take the chance. Others have told me it's not worth the risk. I value the advice of my family and friends and respect everyone's right to their own opinion. But I know ultimately I am the only one who can make these decisions, and hopefully I'll recognize if and when the time is right. I came across a poem recently by Shel Silverstein that seemed to reinforce my thinking ...
"There is a voice inside you
That whispers all day long,
'I feel that this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.'
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend,
Or wise man can decide
What's right for you -
Just listen to the voice that speaks inside."
I've been told by others that I think too much - that I overanalyze everything I say and do - and maybe they're right. Sometimes I wish I could be a little more spontaneous, even a little bit of a risk-taker. When Trey graduated from high school I gave him a cd of Lee Ann Womack's I Hope You Dance. I told him that was my wish for him as he began his adult life. I've listened to that song again and wonder if now it's time for me to apply the words to myself ... "I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance; never settle for the path of least resistance. Living might be a chance but it's worth taking. Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making. When you get the choice to sit it out or dance - I hope you dance."
I know this isn't the time of year to make any major decisions, so I'm not planning to do anything right now. It's even possible that some or all of these feelings will go away in time, though I really doubt they will. In the meantime, I'll keep trying to figure things out and work on slowly opening my doors just a little.
"Each and every day is a given choice. To start over, move forward, or change directions all you have to do is decide." ~author unknown
I Hope You Dance video