THANKFUL FOR THE SCARS

It's been quite awhile since I've written anything - four years and seven months to be exact. I've thought about writing many times and even started something on more than one occasion. But for whatever reason, I just never followed through and finished. I decided to give it another shot though, mainly because of all the memories this time of year has brought - March marked 10 years since Eddie's suicide, this past Mother's Day was the 5th without Mama, and June will mark one year since both my dad and my father-in-law passed away unexpectedly. I think of and miss each of these special people every day, but there's something about these "milestone" anniversaries that makes the thoughts and feelings a little more intense.

Before I go on, let me say I am happy with my life now. I have SO many blessings that make it easy to get up and face each new day - my son and daughter-in-law, three beautiful grandchildren, a fiance, a new church family, and my wonderful friends. While nothing can take the place of those who are no longer here with me physically, I've accepted that it's OK to move on and enjoy a new, different life. I know this is what they all want for me, because I can feel their support. Sometimes I even see and hear it through subtle signs they send - the owl that sits watching from the tree at the front porch, the cardinal by the carport that chirps nonstop,  the devotional books that seem to "fall open" to the exact thing I need to read (Mama isn't always so subtle), that song that comes on the radio to lift my spirits or send a message just when I need it.

It was "that song" that led me to write again. Yesterday morning I opened the I-Heart Radio app on my phone. I have a couple of local country stations stored, since that's what I normally listen to. I intended to click on one of those, but chose another instead - a station playing top 20 contemporary Christian music. I was getting ready for church, so that seemed more appropriate anyway. The words of the first song immediately caught my attention..."Waking up to a new sunrise, looking back from the other side, I can see now with open eyes, darkest water and deepest pain...these wounds are a story You'll use..." (from Scars by I Am They). Those words made me think about all that has happened these past 10 years and the journey I've been on to get THROUGH (not around) my grief, finally reaching the other side.

I listened to the rest of the song, then found it online and listened again - I wanted to see if I was hearing one thing right: "I'm thankful for the scars." My initial reaction was "Yeah, right"! Thankful for the hard times? the sickness? the loss? the pain? the grief? the whys and what ifs? No way! But when I took a few minutes to think about it, I saw that wasn't what the words meant - not that I had to be thankful for the bad, but rather for the good that came as a result of it - for making it through to the other side, for the lessons I learned along the way, for the strength I found in myself and others, for the continuous love and support I received, and most of all for the renewed faith I found in God and prayer once I realized I couldn't do it on my own.

So if you ask me, I'll say yes - I'm thankful for the scars. They are a reminder, not of what I've lost, but of what I've gained and of the promise that there will always be someone to see me through the journeys of my life.