Friday, October 2, 2015

The Road Ahead

I revisited my blog tonight for the first time in quite awhile and realized it's been five months since I've written anything. I know for a lot of people this will sound strange and may be hard to understand, but I've missed writing. Believe it or not, it's something I actually enjoy. For so long after Eddie's death writing was my therapy. I can honestly say without any doubt that it literally saved my life. Putting my thoughts and feelings into written words was better than any medication I could have taken. I had every intention of continuing my writing, but with the exception of an occasional entry during my mother's illness, as often happens "life" got in the way.

I realized today though, with the beginning of the month of October, that I need to be writing again... maybe not every day, but definitely more often than I have been. I've written before that for years the month of October has been difficult for me. I won't repeat the reasons here, but a lot of things happened during this month seven years ago that I later realized were indicators of what was to come a few months later. And now October brings an added painful memory - the anniversary of my mother's death. Writing helped me get through these difficult times before, so I'm hoping it will do so again.

It's not like I'm sitting home feeling sorry for myself - I know I have a great deal to be thankful for. I am grateful that I was able to retire after 30 years of teaching and then find a part time job in the education field that allows me the freedom to do the things I enjoy. I know I am blessed to have many friends, both old and new, that I can talk to and share special times with. I appreciate having the luxury of going places and doing things when the opportunity arises. And of course I am blessed to have Trey and Emily in my life. I was reminded just last night of how much they bring to my life - after Emily's softball game she and Trey came back to my house to spend the night, she slept with me, had breakfast here, and then I had the pleasure of taking her to school. Trust me, there isn't time to think about anything else when she's around - she talked nonstop from the time her feet hit the floor this morning until she got out of the car at school!

I know as we approach the first anniversary of Mama's death there will be some difficult days this month though. I still haven't completely accepted that she's gone - I keep thinking she's away on a trip and will be back any day now. I still don't understand why someone who was such an inspiration, so loving, caring, unselfish, and helpful to others had to be taken away. I still have questions (just as with Eddie's death) that I know will remain unanswered. I know she's in a better place and free of pain now, but that doesn't stop me from wishing she was still here with us.

Despite the pain, loneliness, and questions though, I know from experience life will go on. We'll make it through this month with all of it's memories. We'll remember and honor Mama and do our best to get through the first anniversary of her death. We'll continue to grow and experience new things. We'll move forward, because we know that's what those who are gone from our lives would want us to do.

"Even in the winter, even in the midst of the storm, the sun is still there. Somewhere, up above the clouds, it still shines and warms and pulls at the life buried deep inside the brown branches and frozen earth. The sun is there! Spring will come." ~Gloria Gaither

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