I dreamed I was cleaning out my room at school - deciding what to leave, what to keep, and what to give away. That in itself wasn't strange since I'll have to tackle that job VERY soon. What was unusual were the things in my classroom...my mother's microwave, stereo, and television; my grandmother's rocking chair and piano; Eddie's recliner and the deer head that used to hang over the fireplace. It sounds like I was cleaning out my house or storage building, but I wasn't...I was in the school, there were student desks, books, and papers there, and I could see the bulletin boards and cabinets that are in my classroom. I have no doubt this dream was mostly about change...the changes I've had to make in the past and the ones that are coming in my near future. And though I may be reading too much into it, I'm wondering if there's a deeper meaning there - could it also be about choosing what I need to keep and what I need to get rid of in my life?
Most of the changes I've been through during the past six years were forced on me - I had no say or control over when, how, or why they occurred. Even though I know I've adjusted fairly well and have moved on with my life, there are still some things I need to let go of - like the lingering questions and occasional feelings of anger and resentment. While I know in my head there was nothing I could have done to prevent Eddie's death, there's still a small place in my heart that feels there had to have been something more I could've done, and I wonder why things had to happen the way they did. And though I don't deal with it every day there are still times when I get angry at him for the choice he made and resent him for what he put us through and for what he took away from us. There are things from the past I need to keep and hold close in my mind and my heart...the pleasant memories of happy times and good things we shared...but there are things I need to get rid of as well.
Thankfully the next big change in my life (retirement) is completely within my control. I decide the when, how, and why this time, and though it may be a bit scary, I know it's something I'm ready for! I'm sure there will be more dreams in the next few months about this upcoming change, but I feel sure they will be pleasant ones.
"A dream is a work of art which requires of the dreamer no particular talent, special training, or technical competence. Dreaming is a creative enterprise in which all may and most do participate."
~Clark S. Hall