Starting a blog about my experience after Eddie died turned out to be the best therapy I could have ever hoped for. Turning my thoughts and feelings into written words and subsequently sharing them with others enabled me to face what happened and eventually move on with my life. Everyone chooses how best to deal with their own difficult times - there is no right or wrong way - we just have to find what works. Because I found once before that writing works for me, I've decided to resume my blog to share my experience as my mother battles cancer. I debated on whether I should continue using "Life Goes On" or start a new blog. Even though I don't intend for my writing to focus solely on the past, I know that in some way (at least in my mind) everything will always be related to Eddie's death. The things I write about now may not have not been caused by, nor be a direct result of his suicide, but the way I choose to deal with them will always be affected by it.
My mother was initially diagnosed with cancer in March 2009, on a Monday, exactly six weeks before Eddie died. Though one didn't cause the other, for me these two events will always be linked. Since that time I've read a number of quotes about things happening for a reason...“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” (Marilyn Monroe); "There is always a reason for everything that happens. Your experiences are designed to shape you, define you and, hopefully, grow you into the mightiest you possible." (Aristotle); even the Bible in Ecclesiastes 3:1 says "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." While these are all great quotes I have to agree the most with one by Aaron Chan..."People say everything happens for a reason. But it would be nice to know some of the reasons why."...I would like for someone to tell me the reason my mother has cancer and explain the purpose of her suffering.
Through everything that has happened my mother's faith has never waivered - she reads the Bible and devotions every day, prays, talks to others about God, and believes in miracles - she never gives up. The way she is handling this disease is a testament to her faith and an example for others to follow. I see and understand all of that, so pardon me for being selfish, but I think it would serve a much greater purpose for her to be healthy and remain here where she does so much good for others. My mother has always put her own wants and needs last. She has always been the one who takes care of everyone else. There are any number of people who depend on her - my grandmother, my father, Trey, Emily, even me (though I don't admit it very often) - and there has never been a time that she didn't come through for all of us. Seeing her experience the constant pain she is in now and watching her try to cope with the nonstop nausea and inability to do the things she wants to do is difficult to say the least. I don't understand why this is happening to someone who deserves so much better, and I don't see any purpose whatsoever in her suffering. I know we don't always get answers to the questions we ask, and our prayers aren't always answered as quickly as we think they should be, but knowing that doesn't make this any easier.