Today was Father's Day, and I experienced those feelings of bitterness and resentment very strongly because Eddie is not here for Trey. This is the fourth Father's Day that Trey has gone through without his dad. I know there are many sons and daughters who no longer have their fathers for various reasons. If Eddie had died under different circumstances, I probably wouldn't be bitter or resent his not being here (at least not as much). But because of the way he died, I was filled with negative feelings toward him today. I know that Trey is an adult now (he's almost 28), and he had his father in his life longer than a lot of people do. But regardless of a person's age, I think we always need the love, support, and guidance of our parents. Even though we know it's not possible, we expect them to always be here for us. Eddie took that away from Trey, and I'm having a very difficult time forgiving him for that. Trey is a father himself now, and though I think he's doing a wonderful job, I know he wishes he had a father in his life to turn to for advice now and then.
In an effort to start dealing with my bitterness and resentment, I went to the cemetery today and took a bouquet of yellow roses. I read somewhere that yellow roses represent the promise of a new beginning. The color yellow
is associated with the sun which is a source of light and warmth. The
sun is integral to life on Earth and its color holds
many positive connotations. I thought this would be a good way for me to make a new beginning. While at the cemetery I admitted to God and to Eddie that I am experiencing feelings of bitterness. I asked God to forgive me for these feelings and to help me find a way to get past them. I also asked God to forgive Eddie for what he did that resulted in so much hurt and heartache for everyone who knew and loved him. Finally I asked Eddie for his blessing on my efforts to move forward with my life.
I know these feelings aren't going to go away overnight. As with everything else I've dealt with, it's going to take time, effort, and patience. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make all of the bad feelings disappear, but I know that's not possible. I made a start today, and that's what matters. I'm sure I won't feel quite as bitter tomorrow because it will just be another day with no special meaning like today. However, there are other special days coming in the next few weeks - Emily's 6th birthday and Trey's 28th birthday. I'm sure I can expect to feel some bitterness that Eddie isn't here to share these special days, but hopefully the feelings won't be quite as strong as they were today.
A Prayer for Peace and Patience
God, teach me to be patient, teach me to go slow.
Teach me how to wait on You
when my way I do not know.
Teach me sweet forbearance,
when things do not go right,
So I remain unruffled when others grow uptight.
Teach me how to quiet my racing rising heart,
So I might hear the answer You are trying to impart.
Teach me to let go, dear God,
and pray undisturbed until
My heart is filled with inner peace
and I learn to know Your will.
Helen Steiner Rice