The shock of learning that my mother's cancer has returned hasn't worn off, but the numbness has. In its place is another old, familiar feeling - anger. I'm angry at Eddie for not being here to help me through this. I'm angry, once again, at a disease that I have no control over - first it was alcoholism, now it's cancer. I'm angry at what I see as the unfairness of life, and I'm also angry at God again. I said that I was afraid to admit that after Eddie died, but this time I'm not. If I didn't believe in God I couldn't be mad at him. In addition to the anger, I'm also asking the why question again. Even though I know from past experience that there isn't an answer, I'm still asking. I know that everything happens according to God's plan, but that doesn't mean that I understand. I don't understand why, when our family was just reaching the point of recovery and moving on with our lives, something like this had to happen. I don't understand why someone who has done so much for others should have to suffer. I don't understand why God would even consider taking my mother away when so many other people depend on her. Just as I did before, I will try not to let myself become bitter, but right now it's hard not to feel that way.
This is just the beginning of another journey for my family. There's no way to know right now when or how it will end. My mother has decided to undergo chemotherapy treatments, so we will hope and pray for the best possible outcome. Whatever that outcome may be, though, it's not going to happen overnight. We all have a long road ahead of us, especially my mother. It's not going to be easy, and we will all have to make sacrifices along the way. I'm sure there will be times when we want to quit trying and give up. I'm not going to lie and say I'm looking forward to any of this. But if I learned anything from my experience over the past two years it's that no matter how hard and hopeless things may seem, there's always a reason to keep going. Following Eddie's suicide I somehow found strength I never knew I had. I survived before and I will again.
"Times Like These" - Kid Rock
It's times like these we can't replace.
It's times like these we must embrace.
And even though it's bittersweet
And brings us to our knees,
It makes us who we are
In times like these.