Everyone who experiences a loss in their life handles it in their own way. There is no timeline showing how long a person should grieve or exactly when the grieving should end. I believe we each approach the task of grieving in the way that works best for us. Generally though, the first year is the most difficult for everyone. That is when we experience the "firsts" without our loved one - the first birthday, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, the first anniversary - the first everything. But making it through that first year doesn't mean you've reached the finish line in your race to complete the grieving process. Grief can continue in varying forms and intensities for years. So the only answer to the question of how long a person should grieve seems to be as long as it takes.
I began writing my blog in May 2011 just over two years after Eddie's death. I wrote regularly in the beginning in an effort to tell the whole story of his suicide and what it did to those of us who were left behind. Writing proved to be great therapy for me, and my blog (unexpectedly) seemed to offer comfort and inspiration to others. I was surprised at the number of people I heard from telling me of similar experiences they had been through in their lives. I never knew how "common" suicide is until I experienced it in my own life. My writing has tapered off during the past year. I've mainly written when something specific happened that I wanted others to know. There have been a couple of times when I've thought I was ready to end my blog only to have something come up later that I felt needed to be shared.
I recognize now the time has come to bring my writing to a close once and for all. My blog has provided an outlet for expressing my grief, anger, sadness, frustration, guilt, resentment, and questions. It served its purpose, but I believe continuing to write about my experience now is only keeping the wound open for me. I have reached the point where I feel it has been long enough. It is time for me to let go of the past in order to move ahead with my future. Letting go completely isn't easy - I have to let go of not only what happened but also how it made me feel about myself.
A very close, special friend put it best to me recently when he compared the aftermath of Eddie's death to a broken glass. He said I have been sweeping up the pieces for four years, and it's time for me to stop sweeping now. He told me I have cleaned up all I can, and I'm not responsible for fixing or repairing what happened - I cannot put the glass back together again. He was very firm with me (which I obviously needed) and told me things I've heard a hundred times before - what happened wasn't my fault, I didn't cause it, I couldn't have prevented it, no one blames me so I shouldn't blame myself, I have nothing to feel guilty about, and I have to give myself permission to be happy again. The difference was this time I actually began to believe all of these things are true.
Until now I've been afraid to let go because I thought it also meant forgetting. But I know now that isn't true - letting go does not mean forgetting. Eddie was a part of my life for almost 30 years, and I will remember the good times we shared. He is the father of my child. He had many positive traits that made him a very special person. He is a part of who I am today, and he will be a part of me for the rest of my life. Eddie made the choice to end his life - it was his choice and his alone. Now I am making my choice - I choose to continue my life and to make every effort to be as happy as I possibly can. I believe I have reached my finish line, and all I can say is it took as long as it took.
"Lord, help me to realize how brief my time on earth will be. Help me to know that I am here for but a moment more. We are like grass that is green in the morning but mowed down and withered before the evening shadows fall. Teach us to number our days and recognize how few they are; help us to spend them as we should." Psalms 39:4; 90:5, 12 (TLB)
Please Remember Me ~Tim McGraw
"When all our tears have reached the sea
Part of you will live in me
Way down deep inside my heart...
The days keep coming without fail
A new wind is gonna find your sail
That's where your journey starts...
Remember me when you're out walkin'
When the snow falls high outside your door
Late at night when you're not sleepin'
And moonlight falls across your floor
When I can't hurt you anymore...
Please remember me."
http://www.cmt.com/videos/tim-mcgraw/34926/please-remember-me.jhtml
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
The Merry-Go-Round
I posted this from Lee Brice's I Drive Your Truck on my Facebook page a couple of days ago ..."I've cussed, I've prayed, I've said good-bye, shook my fist and asked God why, these days when I'm missing you so much." I chose this because it expresses perfectly what I've done and how I've felt this past week. Normally I compare what I've experienced to being on a roller coaster filled with highs and lows - happy and up one day, sad and down the next. This week has been more of a merry-go-round though. I've done everything the song says...I've gotten mad and cussed, I've prayed while at the same time questioning whether my prayers are worth the effort (though I know they are), I've blamed Eddie, myself and others. I've gone round and round with these feelings and emotions and always end up back where I started, with that same old burning question "why"? Unfortunately I'm no closer now to having an answer (and probably never will be) than I was four years ago. For the most part I do pretty well throughout the year, but I've learned to expect a setback during the weeks surrounding the anniversary of Eddie's death. I know now to prepare myself for periods of sadness and even depression during this time. Every year I tell myself that I'm going to go somewhere and get away from everything, but so far that hasn't happened. When it comes right down to it I don't ever seem to have it in me to just pick up and go away. I always end up doing the same thing - remembering, reflecting, reading, and ultimately writing.
During my time of reflecting this past week I realized several things...some I already knew but needed to be reminded of; others I'm just now learning and accepting for the first time. I was reminded once again how many wonderful family members and friends I have who saw me through the difficult times four years ago and are still there for me when I need them now. I had cards, calls, texts, Facebook messages, people who went to dinner with me, and those who just listened when I needed to talk. I am truly blessed and grateful to have these people in my life. Something not so positive that I was reminded of is how much anger and bitterness I'm still carrying around. I've worked to overcome these feelings, but they're still there buried inside and resurface from time to time usually when I least expect it. I've realized that until I deal with these feelings once and for all I'm never going to be able to completely forgive Eddie or even myself for what happened.
Recently I've been wondering whether I might be ready to have a serious relationship in my life again. I've decided after this past week that the answer is no. I took several things to the cemetery this week, both for Eddie's birthday and the anniversary of his death. One of these was a balloon that said "I love you, today, tomorrow, always." I chose that particular one because what it said is true. Despite the problems we had during the last several years of our marriage, the things we dealt with together before he died, and what I dealt with alone after his death, I never stopped loving him - and I never will. We were together for almost 30 years, and he will be with me for the rest of my life. The love I feel for him now may be different from what I felt when we were together, but it's a form of love just the same. If I ever decide to have a relationship with someone else, they will have to be understanding and willing to accept that Eddie will always be a part of me. Another reason I've decided I'm not ready for a serious relationship is that I don't tust easily (if at all). As bad as that may sound I've had to accept that it's true. My experience has caused me to constantly question myself as well as others. Until I can deal with this, just as with the anger and bitterness, I won't be ready for a relationship with anyone else.
I've also realized this week that at some point I will have to leave Columbus. I do not believe I can ever find peace, be content, or feel true happiness again living here. There are just too many reminders, memories, and even ghosts around every corner. I know I may not be able to move for a couple of years though. Because of the economy and cuts in education, I can't give up the job I have and expect to find a position somewhere else. No place is going to hire someone with 28 years' experience and a six-year degree when they can get a beginning teacher with a bachelor's degree for much less money! I understand I will just have to be patient, but when the situation is right I know I will want to move. I've mentioned to a couple of friends from my hometown that I might want to move back there one day. They think I'm crazy because in all honesty there's not much there (in terms of things to do) - no shopping malls, nice restaurants, theaters, or entertainment of any kind. But as I've told them, my hometown is a connection to a time in my life that Eddie wasn't a part of. As Miranda Lambert's song The House That Built Me says "I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here it's like I'm someone else; I thought that maybe I could find myself."
The things I've thought about and reflected on this past week may prove something that a few people have said about me - I think too much and overanalyze everything in my life. While this may be true, I personally don't believe there's anything wrong with it. I think and analyze in order to understand and try to make sense of what has happened. It's something I've always done and will probably always do. I've tried to change, to relax a little more, to not think so much, and to let things just happen, but that's not me. While I know I can't control everything in my life or make things happen the way I want them to, thinking and analyzing are a part of who I am and what I do. Those who truly care about me and want to be a part of my life will accept me as I am and not expect me to change.
"We don't 'get over' the deepest pains of life, nor should we. During an average lifetime there are many pains, many grieves to be borne. We don't 'get over' them; we learn to live with them, to go on growing, deepening, and understanding." ~Madeleine L'Engle
During my time of reflecting this past week I realized several things...some I already knew but needed to be reminded of; others I'm just now learning and accepting for the first time. I was reminded once again how many wonderful family members and friends I have who saw me through the difficult times four years ago and are still there for me when I need them now. I had cards, calls, texts, Facebook messages, people who went to dinner with me, and those who just listened when I needed to talk. I am truly blessed and grateful to have these people in my life. Something not so positive that I was reminded of is how much anger and bitterness I'm still carrying around. I've worked to overcome these feelings, but they're still there buried inside and resurface from time to time usually when I least expect it. I've realized that until I deal with these feelings once and for all I'm never going to be able to completely forgive Eddie or even myself for what happened.
Recently I've been wondering whether I might be ready to have a serious relationship in my life again. I've decided after this past week that the answer is no. I took several things to the cemetery this week, both for Eddie's birthday and the anniversary of his death. One of these was a balloon that said "I love you, today, tomorrow, always." I chose that particular one because what it said is true. Despite the problems we had during the last several years of our marriage, the things we dealt with together before he died, and what I dealt with alone after his death, I never stopped loving him - and I never will. We were together for almost 30 years, and he will be with me for the rest of my life. The love I feel for him now may be different from what I felt when we were together, but it's a form of love just the same. If I ever decide to have a relationship with someone else, they will have to be understanding and willing to accept that Eddie will always be a part of me. Another reason I've decided I'm not ready for a serious relationship is that I don't tust easily (if at all). As bad as that may sound I've had to accept that it's true. My experience has caused me to constantly question myself as well as others. Until I can deal with this, just as with the anger and bitterness, I won't be ready for a relationship with anyone else.
I've also realized this week that at some point I will have to leave Columbus. I do not believe I can ever find peace, be content, or feel true happiness again living here. There are just too many reminders, memories, and even ghosts around every corner. I know I may not be able to move for a couple of years though. Because of the economy and cuts in education, I can't give up the job I have and expect to find a position somewhere else. No place is going to hire someone with 28 years' experience and a six-year degree when they can get a beginning teacher with a bachelor's degree for much less money! I understand I will just have to be patient, but when the situation is right I know I will want to move. I've mentioned to a couple of friends from my hometown that I might want to move back there one day. They think I'm crazy because in all honesty there's not much there (in terms of things to do) - no shopping malls, nice restaurants, theaters, or entertainment of any kind. But as I've told them, my hometown is a connection to a time in my life that Eddie wasn't a part of. As Miranda Lambert's song The House That Built Me says "I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here it's like I'm someone else; I thought that maybe I could find myself."
The things I've thought about and reflected on this past week may prove something that a few people have said about me - I think too much and overanalyze everything in my life. While this may be true, I personally don't believe there's anything wrong with it. I think and analyze in order to understand and try to make sense of what has happened. It's something I've always done and will probably always do. I've tried to change, to relax a little more, to not think so much, and to let things just happen, but that's not me. While I know I can't control everything in my life or make things happen the way I want them to, thinking and analyzing are a part of who I am and what I do. Those who truly care about me and want to be a part of my life will accept me as I am and not expect me to change.
"We don't 'get over' the deepest pains of life, nor should we. During an average lifetime there are many pains, many grieves to be borne. We don't 'get over' them; we learn to live with them, to go on growing, deepening, and understanding." ~Madeleine L'Engle
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Whatever Will Be Will Be
As hard as it is to believe another March is here. It seems the older I get the faster this month comes back around. This will be the fourth year since Eddie's death. This entire month is always difficult but the week of March 13-20 is especially hard. I've made up my mind though that this year I'm not going to dwell on the negative. I'm going to do what I can to remember the good, and I plan to keep myself as busy as possible throughout the month. I started on a positive note by spending last evening talking to a good friend for several hours. Throughout our conversation I was pleasantly surprised at how often I was able to mention Eddie without it making me sad. I've already made plans to spend this coming weekend with friends from South Georgia, and we're also going to see Elton John in concert March 20th. I know none of this will stop me from remembering what happened, but I've learned that surrounding myself with friends and activity is the best way to get through the hard times.
I've thought a great deal recently about where I've been, where I am now, and where I'm going with my life. I guess I've developed a somewhat matter-of-fact attitude and am slowly but surely making decisions and moving ahead. I don't like what happened, but I've had to accept that it did happen. I may not like the changes Eddie's death forced me to make, but I've made them just the same. I've learned that no amount of looking back or wishing can undo the events of the past, so I may as well look ahead and focus on the future. I accomplished my goal of completing my specialist's degree - now I need a new venture to devote my extra time and energy to. I haven't decided yet exactly what that will be, though I am considering several things. For now I will concentrate on the things I already have in my life - my family, my friends, my job, my personal relationships - and I'll approach my future the same way I'm dealing with my past - by accepting that I can't force things to turn out the way I want them to. Like the old Doris Day song says "Que Sera, Sera, whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours, to see."
Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow
by Helen Steiner Rice
"Yesterday's dead, tomorrow's unborn
So there's nothing to fear and nothing to mourn,
For all that is past and all that has been
Can never return to be lived once again.
And what lies ahead, or the things that will be,
Are still in God's hands, so it is not up to me
To live in the future that is God's great unknown,
For the past and the present God claims for His own.
So all I need do is to live for today
And trust God to show me the truth and the way,
For it's only the memory of things that have been
And expecting tomorrow to bring trouble again
That fills my today, which God wants to bless,
With uncertain fears and borrowed distress.
For all I need live for is this one little minute,
For life's here and now and eternity's in it."
I've thought a great deal recently about where I've been, where I am now, and where I'm going with my life. I guess I've developed a somewhat matter-of-fact attitude and am slowly but surely making decisions and moving ahead. I don't like what happened, but I've had to accept that it did happen. I may not like the changes Eddie's death forced me to make, but I've made them just the same. I've learned that no amount of looking back or wishing can undo the events of the past, so I may as well look ahead and focus on the future. I accomplished my goal of completing my specialist's degree - now I need a new venture to devote my extra time and energy to. I haven't decided yet exactly what that will be, though I am considering several things. For now I will concentrate on the things I already have in my life - my family, my friends, my job, my personal relationships - and I'll approach my future the same way I'm dealing with my past - by accepting that I can't force things to turn out the way I want them to. Like the old Doris Day song says "Que Sera, Sera, whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours, to see."
Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow
by Helen Steiner Rice
"Yesterday's dead, tomorrow's unborn
So there's nothing to fear and nothing to mourn,
For all that is past and all that has been
Can never return to be lived once again.
And what lies ahead, or the things that will be,
Are still in God's hands, so it is not up to me
To live in the future that is God's great unknown,
For the past and the present God claims for His own.
So all I need do is to live for today
And trust God to show me the truth and the way,
For it's only the memory of things that have been
And expecting tomorrow to bring trouble again
That fills my today, which God wants to bless,
With uncertain fears and borrowed distress.
For all I need live for is this one little minute,
For life's here and now and eternity's in it."
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Opening the Door
I read back over my last two posts and noticed how drastically different my attitude and emotions were from one to the next. While it's true that I'm still on a roller coaster when it comes to my feelings, I can honestly say there are many more highs than lows now. I may have periods when I get down and even a little depressed, but these are few and far between compared to four years ago. I've accepted what happened in my life and adjusted to the changes it caused. Now I'm at a point where I feel like it's time for some changes of my own choosing. The problem is I'm not sure what it is I want to change. I love my family, friends, and my children at school, but I have to wonder ... Am I ready for a different job? Do I want a new house? Do I need to move to a new town so I can have a fresh start? It could be one of these. It could be all of these. It could be none of these. I haven't figured that out yet. I just know I feel the need for change.
I've also been contemplating whether it's time to change my attitude about the possibility of a relationship in my life one day. Sometimes I think I'm ready and want that again, but as soon as the thought enters my mind I get scared and slam the door shut on the idea. I've had people tell me the only way to find out is to take the chance. Others have told me it's not worth the risk. I value the advice of my family and friends and respect everyone's right to their own opinion. But I know ultimately I am the only one who can make these decisions, and hopefully I'll recognize if and when the time is right. I came across a poem recently by Shel Silverstein that seemed to reinforce my thinking ...
"There is a voice inside you
That whispers all day long,
'I feel that this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.'
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend,
Or wise man can decide
What's right for you -
Just listen to the voice that speaks inside."
I've been told by others that I think too much - that I overanalyze everything I say and do - and maybe they're right. Sometimes I wish I could be a little more spontaneous, even a little bit of a risk-taker. When Trey graduated from high school I gave him a cd of Lee Ann Womack's I Hope You Dance. I told him that was my wish for him as he began his adult life. I've listened to that song again and wonder if now it's time for me to apply the words to myself ... "I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance; never settle for the path of least resistance. Living might be a chance but it's worth taking. Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making. When you get the choice to sit it out or dance - I hope you dance."
I know this isn't the time of year to make any major decisions, so I'm not planning to do anything right now. It's even possible that some or all of these feelings will go away in time, though I really doubt they will. In the meantime, I'll keep trying to figure things out and work on slowly opening my doors just a little.
"Each and every day is a given choice. To start over, move forward, or change directions all you have to do is decide." ~author unknown
I Hope You Dance video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2SfmcNg8js
I've also been contemplating whether it's time to change my attitude about the possibility of a relationship in my life one day. Sometimes I think I'm ready and want that again, but as soon as the thought enters my mind I get scared and slam the door shut on the idea. I've had people tell me the only way to find out is to take the chance. Others have told me it's not worth the risk. I value the advice of my family and friends and respect everyone's right to their own opinion. But I know ultimately I am the only one who can make these decisions, and hopefully I'll recognize if and when the time is right. I came across a poem recently by Shel Silverstein that seemed to reinforce my thinking ...
"There is a voice inside you
That whispers all day long,
'I feel that this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.'
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend,
Or wise man can decide
What's right for you -
Just listen to the voice that speaks inside."
I've been told by others that I think too much - that I overanalyze everything I say and do - and maybe they're right. Sometimes I wish I could be a little more spontaneous, even a little bit of a risk-taker. When Trey graduated from high school I gave him a cd of Lee Ann Womack's I Hope You Dance. I told him that was my wish for him as he began his adult life. I've listened to that song again and wonder if now it's time for me to apply the words to myself ... "I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance; never settle for the path of least resistance. Living might be a chance but it's worth taking. Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making. When you get the choice to sit it out or dance - I hope you dance."
I know this isn't the time of year to make any major decisions, so I'm not planning to do anything right now. It's even possible that some or all of these feelings will go away in time, though I really doubt they will. In the meantime, I'll keep trying to figure things out and work on slowly opening my doors just a little.
"Each and every day is a given choice. To start over, move forward, or change directions all you have to do is decide." ~author unknown
I Hope You Dance video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2SfmcNg8js
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
It's That Time of Year
Four years ago this month my mother went into the hospital for what was supposed to be a routine appendectomy. She came out with a diagnosis of cancer. Six weeks after her diagnosis, following a long battle with alcoholism, my husband took his own life. To say this is not my favorite time of year is putting it mildly. I prepare myself as much as possible for these upcoming anniversaires each year. I try to stay busy and focused on other things. But the thoughts are always there lingering in the back of my mind, and I know they will eventually come forward. Sometimes I can tell when they are about to surface, so I do what I can to brace myself. But at other times they come crashing in without warning and knock me for a loop. That's exactly what happened this past weekend. Things were going along very smoothly, and I thought this year was going to be different, maybe even easier. I couldn't have been more wrong. Without warning, all of the memories and feelings associated with this time of year hit and hit hard. I have no idea what caused them. Was it a song on the radio or a picture I came across? Was it a sound or a smell? Was it a trip to the gym or to a particular restaurant? Was it something someone said? I have no idea. I just know it happened, and this time I wasn't prepared.
Although I wasn't prepared for this to hit when it did, I at least recognized it for what it was - a "grief spasm" - which I have written about before. According to the book Experiencing Grief by H. Norman Wright a grief spasm is "a normal, sudden, unexpected, upsurge of the emotion grief," and the best way to handle this out-of-control feeling is to "acknowledge it and wait for it to end." I'm not sure how well I handled it this time, but at least I didn't go completely off the deep end. I'm sure I said some things I shouldn't have said, did some things I shouldn't have done, went out when I should have stayed home, stayed home when I should have gone out, spent too much time alone, or spent too little time alone ... who knows ... there is no right way to handle it. All I know is that as quickly and unexpectedly as it hit, it ended in much the same way. For almost three days I felt as if I had gone back in time to when this all started. I questioned everything and everybody in my life. At one point I wanted nothing more than to pack up and run away so the memories couldn't find me. I even went so far as to tell my son that I wanted to move someplace new where I could start my life over. I didn't do anything drastic though, and on the third night it was as if someone flipped a switch, and I was okay again.
I doubt very seriously this was the only one of these episodes I'll have this time around. After all, I still have the anniversary of the events in March to go through. I can hope though that maybe it just came early this year and won't come again. If it doesn't I'll be extremely grateful. But if it does I know I'll get through it just as I have every time before. And in the meantime, I'll try not to drive others crazy, scare anyone with my wild ideas, or run off to another country to live!
Although I wasn't prepared for this to hit when it did, I at least recognized it for what it was - a "grief spasm" - which I have written about before. According to the book Experiencing Grief by H. Norman Wright a grief spasm is "a normal, sudden, unexpected, upsurge of the emotion grief," and the best way to handle this out-of-control feeling is to "acknowledge it and wait for it to end." I'm not sure how well I handled it this time, but at least I didn't go completely off the deep end. I'm sure I said some things I shouldn't have said, did some things I shouldn't have done, went out when I should have stayed home, stayed home when I should have gone out, spent too much time alone, or spent too little time alone ... who knows ... there is no right way to handle it. All I know is that as quickly and unexpectedly as it hit, it ended in much the same way. For almost three days I felt as if I had gone back in time to when this all started. I questioned everything and everybody in my life. At one point I wanted nothing more than to pack up and run away so the memories couldn't find me. I even went so far as to tell my son that I wanted to move someplace new where I could start my life over. I didn't do anything drastic though, and on the third night it was as if someone flipped a switch, and I was okay again.
I doubt very seriously this was the only one of these episodes I'll have this time around. After all, I still have the anniversary of the events in March to go through. I can hope though that maybe it just came early this year and won't come again. If it doesn't I'll be extremely grateful. But if it does I know I'll get through it just as I have every time before. And in the meantime, I'll try not to drive others crazy, scare anyone with my wild ideas, or run off to another country to live!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Life is Too Short
I was coming home from a weekend trip recently and couldn't find any decent stations on the radio. I put in several CD's that I had in the car and listened to them while I drove. They were all older CD's, so I'd heard them dozens of times before. This time though the words to several of the songs caught my attention, and I really listened to them for the first time. Three in particular seemed to be sending me a message ... I Breathe In, I Breathe Out by Chris Cagle, Days Like These by Jason Aldean, and Tim McGraw's My Next Thirty Years.
Chris Cagle's song describes perfectly how I lived for a long time after Eddie's death ... "Until this world stops turning round and my heart believes that you've gone, I breathe in and breathe out, put one foot in front of the other, take one day at a time ..." I'm not sure at what point I stopped living this way. I just know that I did. It hasn't been easy, but going on with my life isn't the daily struggle that it once was. I breathe easier now and don't think about every move before I make it. I make plans days, weeks, even months in advance and look forward to them. I'm gradually starting to enjoy life again, and what's even more important is I'm accepting that it's okay for me to! I actually believe now it's what Eddie would have wanted.
I know from my own experience the words to Days Like These are truer than most people realize ... "Life is short." Because I know this I've decided I should take more of that song to heart ... "Life is short, let's go live it, ain't no time for wasting time, days like these they go by way too fast, days like these you wanna make them last." I've always been a very serious, cautious, responsible, schedule-oriented person. I've always done what was expected of me and tried to please others before myself. While I don't intend to become selfish, careless, or irresponsible, I am making an attempt to live a happier, more relaxed life. I want to laugh more, travel more, have fun, and maybe even do things on a the spur of the moment once in a while (although that last one may prove to be difficult for me).
At 51 years old many people may not think they have 30 years of life left. But with the longevity on my mother's side (my grandmother is 97 and going strong) I truly believe I'll be around for at least that much longer! With that in mind I'm going to apply My Next Thirty Years to my future ... "Now it's time to focus in on where I go from here ... My next thirty years I'm gonna have some fun ... Cry a little less, laugh a little more ... Figure out just what I'm doing here ... " I don't know for sure what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, and I may not know exactly how much time I have left, but I do know that despite how I felt four years ago my life isn't over. I plan to make the most of my future and not have any regrets ... "My next thirty years will be the best years of my life ..."
"As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do." ~Zachary Scott
Chris Cagle's song describes perfectly how I lived for a long time after Eddie's death ... "Until this world stops turning round and my heart believes that you've gone, I breathe in and breathe out, put one foot in front of the other, take one day at a time ..." I'm not sure at what point I stopped living this way. I just know that I did. It hasn't been easy, but going on with my life isn't the daily struggle that it once was. I breathe easier now and don't think about every move before I make it. I make plans days, weeks, even months in advance and look forward to them. I'm gradually starting to enjoy life again, and what's even more important is I'm accepting that it's okay for me to! I actually believe now it's what Eddie would have wanted.
I know from my own experience the words to Days Like These are truer than most people realize ... "Life is short." Because I know this I've decided I should take more of that song to heart ... "Life is short, let's go live it, ain't no time for wasting time, days like these they go by way too fast, days like these you wanna make them last." I've always been a very serious, cautious, responsible, schedule-oriented person. I've always done what was expected of me and tried to please others before myself. While I don't intend to become selfish, careless, or irresponsible, I am making an attempt to live a happier, more relaxed life. I want to laugh more, travel more, have fun, and maybe even do things on a the spur of the moment once in a while (although that last one may prove to be difficult for me).
At 51 years old many people may not think they have 30 years of life left. But with the longevity on my mother's side (my grandmother is 97 and going strong) I truly believe I'll be around for at least that much longer! With that in mind I'm going to apply My Next Thirty Years to my future ... "Now it's time to focus in on where I go from here ... My next thirty years I'm gonna have some fun ... Cry a little less, laugh a little more ... Figure out just what I'm doing here ... " I don't know for sure what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, and I may not know exactly how much time I have left, but I do know that despite how I felt four years ago my life isn't over. I plan to make the most of my future and not have any regrets ... "My next thirty years will be the best years of my life ..."
"As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do." ~Zachary Scott
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Don't Hold On Too Tightly
I expect to get advice and receive inspiration from counselors, preachers, poems, books and quotes from famous people. I don't usually expect to get it from television shows though, but that's exactly what happened recently. While watching a rerun of Law and Order - not exactly a show where you expect anything profound or inspirational - I heard something that made me stop and think. A woman visiting her husband's killer in prison told him she had to find a way to forgive him for what he had done, because if she continued to fixate on him and what he took away from her she would slowly lose herself. That statement at the conclusion of the show made me examine what I'm doing and how I've handled things since Eddie died. I know I've made great strides in moving forward with my life. I love my family and my job, and they both keep me very busy. I finished my specialist's degree which was a huge relief and an accomplishment that I'm proud of. I enjoy spending time with my friends and am thankful that I've reconnected with some old friends and even made some new ones. I made it through this last holiday season with the least amount of sadness I've felt since Eddie's death. On the outside all of these are good, positive things and signs of moving forward.
But now I think it's time for me to focus on moving forward from the inside. While I don't believe I've fixated on or been obsessed with Eddie's death, I do know his alcoholism and subsequent suicide had a profound effect on how I think and feel. I love and care about my family, friends, and children at school. I experience feelings just like everyone else. I'm happy when good things happen, and I hurt because of the bad. But at the same time I recognize that my heart has become somewhat hardened over the years as a result of what I've been through. I'm guarded and careful about who I open up to and how much I share with others. I've been completely closed to the idea of any real relationship with someone new - because I don't want to allow myself to be hurt again and because a part of me is still connected to Eddie. It's been almost four years since he died, but I'm just beginning to see that I'm still holding on to the bad times that I experienced both before and after his death. Like the David Gates and Bread song, Everything I Own, says "Nobody else could ever know the part of me that can't let go."
The longer I hold on to the negative though, the more of myself I gradually lose. It's time to find a way to get rid of the bad memories while still keeping the good ones. I don't know yet how I will accomplish this; I just know it's time to start trying. After the episode of Law and Order, I took out several photo albums and spent a couple of hours looking at old pictures. I tried to focus on the happy times - birthday parties, vacations, ballgames, graduations. I made a conscience effort to look for pictures with everyone smiling and having a good time. I didn't cry while looking at any of these, and I felt a tiny sense of peace afterwards. It wasn't much, but maybe it was a beginning to softening my heart and opening myself up to new possibilities.
"What we feel, think, and do this moment influences both our present and the future in ways we may never know. Begin. Start right where you are. Consider your possibilities and find inspiration ... to add more meaning and zest to your life." ~Alexandra Stoddard
But now I think it's time for me to focus on moving forward from the inside. While I don't believe I've fixated on or been obsessed with Eddie's death, I do know his alcoholism and subsequent suicide had a profound effect on how I think and feel. I love and care about my family, friends, and children at school. I experience feelings just like everyone else. I'm happy when good things happen, and I hurt because of the bad. But at the same time I recognize that my heart has become somewhat hardened over the years as a result of what I've been through. I'm guarded and careful about who I open up to and how much I share with others. I've been completely closed to the idea of any real relationship with someone new - because I don't want to allow myself to be hurt again and because a part of me is still connected to Eddie. It's been almost four years since he died, but I'm just beginning to see that I'm still holding on to the bad times that I experienced both before and after his death. Like the David Gates and Bread song, Everything I Own, says "Nobody else could ever know the part of me that can't let go."
The longer I hold on to the negative though, the more of myself I gradually lose. It's time to find a way to get rid of the bad memories while still keeping the good ones. I don't know yet how I will accomplish this; I just know it's time to start trying. After the episode of Law and Order, I took out several photo albums and spent a couple of hours looking at old pictures. I tried to focus on the happy times - birthday parties, vacations, ballgames, graduations. I made a conscience effort to look for pictures with everyone smiling and having a good time. I didn't cry while looking at any of these, and I felt a tiny sense of peace afterwards. It wasn't much, but maybe it was a beginning to softening my heart and opening myself up to new possibilities.
"What we feel, think, and do this moment influences both our present and the future in ways we may never know. Begin. Start right where you are. Consider your possibilities and find inspiration ... to add more meaning and zest to your life." ~Alexandra Stoddard
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