The Best and the Worst of Times

I remember watching A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens for a literature class when I was in high school.  Of course we didn't have DVD's or even VHS tapes in school then.  The movie was in black and white, and we watched it from a film projector on a small screen.  The opening line of that movie (as well as the book) has always stuck in my mind ... "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."  When I watched the movie as a teenager I didn't really understand the significance of those words.  The one thing I remember thinking was how could that be - those things are complete opposites - how can they exist at the same time?   Although I didn't remember all of it, the opening line goes on to say "... it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us..." - more opposites that shouldn't be able to exist together.  I've come to realize this summer though that all of those things can in fact exist together.  You can experience events and feelings at the same time that are polar opposites - things that are so different in every important respect that they shouldn't be able to exist in conjunction with each other.

The beginning of summer is always an exciting time.  It means the end of another school year, time off from work to relax and enjoy myself, no papers to grade or lesson plans to write, the promise of trips to the beach, afternoons by the pool, books to read for pleasure, and no set times to go to bed at night or get up in the morning.  In other words, the beginning of summer represents "the best of times."  My summer this year started off that way.  I had made the decision that no matter how scared I might be it was time to open myself up to the possibility of having a new relationship in my life.  My mother had responded well to her chemotherapy treatments during the past year.  Trey was settled in a new house and doing well with his work and his personal life.  I didn't know anyone, friend or relative, that seemed to be having any major problems in their life.

I soon found that "the best of times" was going to be short lived though.  My mother's initial tumor became resistant to the treatment she was receiving, and she is now waiting to have her treatment changed.  I learned that the 16-year-old daughter of an old high school friend had died in a car wreck.  Trey was faced with making a major decision concerning his job and ultimately his future, and I wasn't sure I was helping him make the "right" decision.  I found that opening myself up to the possibility of a new relationship brought with it the risk of being disappointed and hurt.  Then I learned a dear friend that I have known since third grade had suffered an aneurysm and is currently in intensive care in a coma.  "The best of times" I had been experiencing seemed to be gradually turning into "the worst of times."  A season that began with so much light was beginning to be filled with pockets of darkness.  Although I was holding onto hope that everything would turn out for the best, I was beginning to feel despair at the same time.  One minute I was feeling like I had everything to look forward to, and the next I was questioning whether I had anything good to look forward to.

I have felt all of these contradictory emotions at the same time and with equal intensity.  They don't exist separately but rather together seemingly in a struggle with each other.  I literally go from feeling on top of the world one minute, to feeling as if I'm at the bottom of a deep valley the next.  It's been over three years since Eddie died, but I believe these up and down feelings are still related to what I experienced with him.  My life with him was such a roller coaster for so many years that I don't think I've ever completely gotten off that ride.  I'm sure that in time these feelings will subside just as others have, but sometimes it's extremely hard to have the patience necessary to wait on the change to take place.

"Dear Lord, give me patience.  Let me live according to Your plan and according to Your timetable.  When I am hurried, slow me down.  When I become impatient with others, give me empathy.  When I am frustrated by the demands of the day, give me peace.  Today, let me be a patient Christian, Lord, as I trust in You and in Your master plan for my life."  (from Prayers and Promises for Women)

Letting God Be in Control

I turned my calendar to July this morning, and it hit me - one year ago this month my mother went into the hospital and was told she had cancer.  The initial prognosis was not good.  One doctor actually had the nerve to tell her she should start "getting her affairs in order".  Now here we are, one year later - she is alive and feeling well most of the time, but there is still so much uncertainty surrounding her condition.  It has definitely been an up and down year.  After recovering from the initial shock, my mother went to an oncologist in Atlanta who felt he could help her and offer her some hope.  She began receiving chemotherapy treatments and had overwhelmingly positive results for a time.  Her tumor marker number dropped drastically, the spots on her liver decreased, and the tumor in her abdomen shrunk to the point that the doctor couldn't even feel it when he examined her.  Unfortunately, the positive effects of the current chemo have subsided, and the abdominal tumor has started to increase in size again.  The doctor now has to find a new chemo "mixture" because the tumor has become resistant to what was being used.  At this point, she doesn't know when her next treatment will be - apparently it takes time to study the initial tumor and determine what course to take next.

My mother is a very strong person with a positive attitude and a profound faith in God.  She has always been more concerned about others and their problems than about herself.  She takes care of those around her sometimes to the point of neglecting her own health.  She has been there for me throughout my entire life, seeing me through my troubles no matter how large or small.  From something as minor as a broken heart over a high school boyfriend to the trauma of Eddie's alcoholism and death, my mother has stood by me.  I would not have survived Eddie's suicide without her love and support.  She put her entire life on hold after his death to help Trey and me.

I have always prided myself on being strong and able to cope with whatever happens in my life.  I know this strength initially came from my mother.  I need to be strong for her now, but lately I have felt my strength wavering (those who know me know that isn't an easy thing for me to admit).  As I've written before, I've always had the need/desire to be in control of everything in my life.  Facing a situation that I have no control over, just as I did with Eddie's alcoholism and suicide, is something I don't know how to handle.  I'm trying to be patient, take things one day at the time, pray, and turn everything over to God.  I talk to God a great deal (not just through prayer), and right or wrong, I tell him exactly what I think.  Lately I've found myself telling Him that I think my family has been through enough and it's time for us to relax, be happy and enjoy life.  I know that isn't really my decision to make, but it's how I feel. 

As has happened a lot recently, I came across something to read that spoke directly to these feelings.  It was a page torn from a devotional book and given to me by my grandmother just after Eddie died.  I've kept it in my bible since then.  In part it says "...when tragedy strikes or loss occurs, we don't understand why God does not prevent such things from happening to us and hurting us so badly ... often we become angry and ask if God is good and all-powerful, why does He allow bad things to happen to good people? ... excessive reasoning, trying to figure out things for which we will not be able to find an answer, torments and brings much confusion."  The corresponding bible verses were Proverbs 3:5-6 ... "Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.  In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths."  I know this is telling me that I have to let God be in control of the events and direction of my life as well as the lives of those I love - I just have to work on accepting that.

Fortress of Faith by Helen Steiner Rice

It's easy to say "In God we trust" when life is radiant and fair,
But the test of faith is only found when there are burdens to bear.
For our claim to faith in the sunshine is really no faith at all,
For when roads are smooth and days are bright our need for God is so small.
And no one discovers the fullness or the greatness of God's love
Unless they have walked in the darkness with only a light from above.
For the faith to endure whatever comes is born of sorrow and trials
And strengthened only by discipline and nurtured by self-denials.
So be not disheartened by troubles for trials are the building blocks
On which to erect a fortress of faith, secure on God's ageless rocks.

Choices, Chances, Changes

I have decided that if I am going to overcome my feelings of bitterness and resentment, I need to focus on the positive things in my life rather than on the negative events of the past.  I have spent a part of each day recently reading a devotion and praying (something I had gotten away from during the past few months).  In my prayers I have realized how much I have to be thankful for ... my family, good friends, a home, a secure job.  I have a wonderful son who has shown me recently that he truly wants me to move on with my life and be happy.  I still have both of my parents and a grandmother who support me in everything I do and a granddaughter that brings laughter every time she is around.  I have friends who have listened to me, cried with me, stood by me, and seen me through the toughest times in my life.  I have also had some new people come into my life who have quickly become good friends with which I've been able to share happy times and make new memories.  I am close to completing my specialist's degree in elementary education, and I recently received a grant that is going to equip my classroom with the newest technology for the upcoming school year.  I realize that I have a very busy and hopefully happy future to look forward to.

Just as my prayers have helped me see what I have to be thankful for, the devotions I've been reading have reminded me of what I knew but had forgotten for a while ... I am not alone.  I have come across devotions on anxiety, worry, stress, fear, forgiveness, hope, patience, relationships, and trusting God just when I seemed to need them the most.  Today's devotion was "Believe in the light" (John 12:36), and a part of it said "I realized God had been hovering near, feeling my pain ready to embrace me with a hug.  All I had to do was pay attention.  All I needed to do was listen.  And with Him by my side, I could pick myself up and feel my way to the light." 

In an effort to "pick myself up" I've decided it's time to be open to new people, new things, and new relationships in my life.  I built a wall around myself three years ago as a means of survival, and I've kept it there ever since.  But regardless of how scary it may be, I no longer want to keep myself and my feelings closed off in an effort to avoid future hurt and pain.  I realize now that while keeping the hurt and the pain out, I was also keeping the happiness, joy, and love out.  The lyrics of a Lady Antebellum song describe perfectly how I feel now ... "Seems like I was walking in the wrong direction.  I barely recognize my own reflection.  Seems I've been playing on the safe side, building walls around my heart to save me ... but it's time for me to let it go ... I'm ready to feel now.  No longer am I afraid of the fall down.  It must be time to move on now without the fear of how it might end." 

Life is about taking chances.  Some of those chances may lead to mistakes and heartache, but some of them will also lead to triumphs and happiness.  We cannot predict or plan how our life will turn out, and I've learned that we have to take the bad with the good.  But if we never take a chance at all things will always stay the same, and we will never know what we might be missing.  Choices, Chances, Changes - You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change (author unknown).

What are the Chances?

In trying to deal with my bitterness and resentment, I've been looking for things I can read on the subject.  Last night I found a devotional book Prayers and Promises for Women in the drawer of my nightstand.  I think my mother gave it to me sometime during the last three years, but I guess I hadn't read much from it because it still looked and felt new.  It's just a small paperback book, not of daily devotions but of devotions on specific topics.  I didn't look in the table of contents before opening the book.  I just opened it to where it seemed to want to naturally fall.  The topic it opened to was forgiveness, and the Bible verse at the top of the page was the same one I put in my "Blindsided" entry a few days ago ... Ephesians 4:32 ... And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.  What are the chances that this little book would open to the exact topic that I needed to read about?

As I read the devotion that followed the Bible verse, I couldn't help but cry because it fit so perfectly with how I was feeling.  The second paragraph said, "If, in your heart, you hold bitterness against even a single person, forgive. If there exists even one person, alive or dead, whom you have not forgiven, follow God's commandment and His will for your life: forgive.  If you are embittered against yourself for some past mistake or shortcoming, forgive. Then, to the best of your abilities, forget.  And move one.  Bitterness and regret are not part of God's plan for your life.  Forgiveness is."  I realized something new as I read this - I not only feel bitterness toward Eddie for what he did, I also feel bitterness toward myself for what I wasn't able to do.

I know in my head that I did everything I could to help Eddie with his alcoholism, but in my heart I still feel there was something more I could/should have done.  I thought I had overcome these feelings of guilt and of questioning myself about what I did or didn't do, but I guess they're not completely gone after all.  Regardless of how much I've read or the amount of counseling I've received, I still can't believe that I didn't see warning signs leading up to his suicide.  Even now, three years later, I still go back over the days and weeks before his death wondering what I missed and what I could have said or done differently.  I know looking back serves no purpose.  I can't change the past.  I can't undo what's already been done.  But as much as I know these things, I also know that I'm still carrying around a feeling of responsibility inside of me for what I wasn't able to do.

"He who cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass." -Corrie ten Boom

The Promise of a New Beginning

Today was Father's Day, and I experienced those feelings of bitterness and resentment very strongly because Eddie is not here for Trey.  This is the fourth Father's Day that Trey has gone through without his dad.  I know there are many sons and daughters who no longer have their fathers for various reasons.  If Eddie had died under different circumstances, I probably wouldn't be bitter or resent his not being here (at least not as much).  But because of the way he died, I was filled with negative feelings toward him today.  I know that Trey is an adult now (he's almost 28), and he had his father in his life longer than a lot of people do.  But regardless of a person's age, I think we always need the love, support, and guidance of our parents.  Even though we know it's not possible, we expect them to always be here for us.  Eddie took that away from Trey, and I'm having a very difficult time forgiving him for that.  Trey is a father himself now, and though I think he's doing a wonderful job, I know he wishes he had a father in his life to turn to for advice now and then.

In an effort to start dealing with my bitterness and resentment, I went to the cemetery today and took a bouquet of yellow roses.  I read somewhere that yellow roses represent the promise of a new beginning.  The color yellow is associated with the sun which is a source of light and warmth.  The sun is integral to life on Earth and its color holds many positive connotations.  I thought this would be a good way for me to make a new beginning.  While at the cemetery I admitted to God and to Eddie that I am experiencing feelings of bitterness.  I asked God to forgive me for these feelings and to help me find a way to get past them.  I also asked God to forgive Eddie for what he did that resulted in so much hurt and heartache for everyone who knew and loved him.  Finally I asked Eddie for his blessing on my efforts to move forward with my life.

I know these feelings aren't going to go away overnight.  As with everything else I've dealt with, it's going to take time, effort, and patience.  I wish I could just snap my fingers and make all of the bad feelings disappear, but I know that's not possible.  I made a start today, and that's what matters.  I'm sure I won't feel quite as bitter tomorrow because it will just be another day with no special meaning like today.  However, there are other special days coming in the next few weeks - Emily's 6th birthday and Trey's 28th birthday.  I'm sure I can expect to feel some bitterness that Eddie isn't here to share these special days, but hopefully the feelings won't be quite as strong as they were today.

A Prayer for Peace and Patience

God, teach me to be patient, teach me to go slow.
Teach me how to wait on You
when my way I do not know.
Teach me sweet forbearance,
when things do not go right,
So I remain unruffled when others grow uptight.
Teach me how to quiet my racing rising heart,
So I might hear the answer You are trying to impart.
Teach me to let go, dear God,
and pray undisturbed until
My heart is filled with inner peace
and I learn to know Your will.

Helen Steiner Rice

Blindsided

Wow ... I wasn't expecting this and certainly wasn't in any way prepared for it.  During the past month I've written about acceptance and forgiveness, and I truly meant everything I said.  I know that I've accepted Eddie's death and the manner in which he died.  I have made great strides in forgiving him for both his alcoholism and suicide.  I guess my forgiveness isn't 100% complete though.  While talking with someone this past week I was surprised to realize the feelings of bitterness and resentment I have buried inside.  My reaction to some of the things that were said hit me like a ton of bricks.  I've experienced periods of anger over the past three years and still have an occasional angry thought even now.  But I honestly didn't know how much I still resent what Eddie put not only me, but Trey and everyone else, through.  So I apparently still have work to do - I have to deal with and get rid of this bitterness before it becomes something I can't let go of.  "Hurt leads to bitterness, bitterness to anger, travel too far that road and the way is lost." -Terry Brooks

I know that bitterness is an irrational, destructive emotion.  It is the result of being hurt or disappointed by a person or by circumstances, and it becomes worse when we cannot confront who or what caused it.  It is not visible like anger but is an underlying problem that dwells on the inside.  The Bible describes bitterness as a root and strongly warns against letting it take hold ("See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." Hebrews 12:15).  A root is a source that fuels things on the surface.  The root of bitterness is hidden in the heart and even in the soul and if left untreated can feed other negative emotions.  When we hold these feelings inside they fester and grow.  Although it is hidden deep inside, bitterness can spread easily and have an effect on everything we think, say, and do.  "Carrying a grudge is a loser's game. It is the ultimate frustration because it leaves you with more pain than you had in the first place." -Lewis B. Smedes

Bitterness comes from not completely forgiving the person or the circumstances that hurt us.  But no person or event can make us bitter.  It is our attitude that makes us bitter because we choose to respond in a bitter way.  I allowed the trauma of Eddie's alcoholism and subsequent suicide to get to me and without realizing it let the roots of bitterness and resentment be planted inside of me.  Those feelings have slowly grown over time and are just now reaching the surface.  In order to begin getting rid of these pent up negative emotions I have to admit they exist then find a way to cut off and remove the root.  In my reading I found two steps necessary to get started with this "removal" - admit to God that the bitterness is wrong and pray for the one (Eddie) that I have bitterness against ("And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." Mark 11:25, 26).  I have to set a goal to be free of bitterness and resentment and accomplish it through prayer, will, and desire.  I will make an effort to count my blessings, guard my thoughts, resist when negative ones try to enter, and only think about positive things.  It wont be easy, but as with everything else I will be able to do it in time.

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:31, 32

Memories that Last a Lifetime

Everyone has their favorite place to go for a vacation - the mountains, the desert, amusement parks, resorts, spas, even other countries.  All of these are unique and special in their own way.  I'm sure they all offer fun and excitement in different forms.  But for me there is no better place in the world than the beach for escape and relaxation.  There is something about the ocean with the sight and sound of the waves that creates a sense of peace and calm within me.  When I'm there I feel I can cast out all of my problems and worries, then watch them wash away with the tide.  The sun, the sand, and the water have a healing effect on both my mind and my heart.  I always leave the beach with a renewed hope and a feeling of somehow being cleansed.  It is a powerful place that is and always has been a form of therapy for me.  "The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea." -Isak Dinesen

My trips to the beach began as family vacations when I was a small child.  I remember going to Daytona Beach with my parents and grandparents.  My fondest memories of those trips are of riding the ferris wheel, playing putt-putt and skeeball, and watching saltwater taffy being made at the candy shop on the boardwalk.  I also remember my grandfather sitting by the pool or the beach wearing shorts that went down to his knees, socks up to his mid-calf, and tennis shoes.  I remember that everyone used a suntan lotion called No-Ad because it came in huge quantities and was cheap.  I remember swimming in the motel pool until I was so tired I could hardly stand up and walking down the sidewalk to eat at the Steak-n-Shake.  "The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever." -Jacques Cousteau

My trips to the beach continued into my teen years when my mother would take one (or more) of my friends and me to Jekyll Island for the day.  We always bought a huge jar of dill pickles, ate them on the way, then drank the juice.  We left in the morning, usually took a lunch with us, spent the day at the beach, then drove back home.  Sometimes we would visit the historical homes in the area, but mainly we sunbathed, played in the sand, and swam in the ocean.  I didn't realize then how special those days were, but they made a lasting impression on me.  "Our memories of the ocean will linger on, long after our footprints in the sand are gone." -Anonymous

When I was old enough, after high school and into college, I went to the beach with my friends.  We did what all teenagers and young adults do when they're away from home - tried to act like we were much older than we actually were!  Once I was married and Trey came along, we started our own family trips to the beach.  Over the years we settled into a yearly trip to Panama City where we made new friends who are a part of my memories now.  These trips continue today, and Emily is now going with us.  My memories of these family trips are of first watching Trey and his friends play and have fun and now of watching Emily do the same things in the same place.  Together we have created memories riding go-carts, having low-country boils, riding the banana boat, and doing karaoke on the deck.  "We are tied to the ocean.  And when we go back to the sea - whether it is to sail or to watch it - we are going back from whence we came." -JFK

During all of these trips I have seen the ocean and the beach hundreds of times.  I have witnessed many sunsets, sunrises, full moons, and storms.  But I never cease to be amazed at the beauty of it all or at the joy I feel every time I am there.  I recently returned from another trip to the beach where I experienced all of the same feelings of peace, calm, hope, and a renewal of spirit.  I sat and watched the sun set over the ocean and was in awe of the unbelievable picture it created.  At that last moment when the sun seems to disappear into the ocean it's as if the horizon catches on fire as the sky is filled with a burst of yellow, orange, and red.  Later that same night, I sat on the beach and watched a gorgeous full moon rising in the opposite direction.  It lit up the entire beach and created shimmers and sparkles across the ocean that looked like stars dancing on the water.  In those two moments it was impossible for me to comprehend that some people don't believe in God, because only He could create something so beautiful and amazing that it brings tears to your eyes.   "He has inscribed a circle on the face of the waters at the boundary between light and darkness." Job 26:10