My family and close friends love to tease me about having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I'll admit that I do have some of the behaviors associated with OCD: spending a lot of time washing or cleaning, ordering or arranging things "just so," feeling that everything must be lined up "just right". Yes, my shoes are arranged by color in boxes on shelves in my closet. My clothes are grouped by short sleeved shirts, long sleeved shirts, pants, sweaters, and dresses. The pictures on my refrigerator are in magnetic pockets lined up evenly across both doors. The cans and boxes in my cabinet are lined up by height with the labels facing forward. I constantly straighten pictures on the wall and move things an inch this way or that on shelves and tables. Before I leave my classroom each day I put everything on my desk in neat stacks and straighten all of the student desks and chairs back into rows. I have what some might consider an unnatural need to control everything around me. (Now that I've written it down - maybe I'm worse than I thought!)
I wasn't always this extreme with my need to control everything though. It started during the last few years of my marriage and intensified following Eddie's death. After several years of living with Eddie's drinking, I had to accept that I didn't have any control over what he was doing. Eventually I reached a point where I didn't feel like I had control over much of anything in my life, so I found something I could control - the order of "stuff" around me. When I got upset with Eddie or was worried about him or wondering where he was, I would clean, straighten, or rearrange things around the house to occupy and calm myself. After his suicide, which was another thing I had to accept that I didn't have any control over, I found myself becoming more "obsessed" with keeping the things around me in order. The events of my life over the past years have been so chaotic, I 've had to restore order in whatever ways I can find. As a result, I have a need to "fix" things now - to have everything correct or perfect in order to feel comfortable, safe, and in control of my life.
My need for order and perfection may make some people uncomfortable, and if it does I apologize, but it has helped me to relieve some of the frustration at being powerless over the events in my life. I will never "get over" everything that has happened, but I am getting through it. Maybe my need to be in total control will lessen with time. Maybe I will eventually be able to relax and let go. But for now the order I've restored to my life is making it possible for me to move forward. Maybe a little OCD isn't such a bad thing after all.
"The closest to being in control we will ever be is in that moment that we realize we're not." Brian Kessler
"Control is never achieved when sought after directly. It is the surprising outcome of letting go." James Arthur Ray
Friday, February 10, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Learning to Live Again: The Healing Power of Friendship and Laughter
During the first year following Eddie's death, I struggled to find ways to enjoy myself or things to be happy about. There were times when I laughed briefly or felt a little happiness for short periods, but nothing that lasted. I was surviving but not really living. Things took a definite turn for the better however one weekend in June 2010. That was when I made a big step on my road to recovery by taking a trip with three of my good friends, Janie, Peggy, and Susie. Janie had bid on and won a discount package to a resort in Panama City. I was reluctant when she first asked me to go because it meant leaving on Father's Day, and I wasn't sure about not being with Trey that day. When I told him about it, though, he insisted that he would be okay and I should go, so I finally agreed.
Janie and Susie rode together and left Sunday morning. I waited until Peggy got out of church and rode with her so she wouldn't have to make the trip alone. Normally when I go to the beach, I'm on a mission to get there as quickly as possible. I only stop when absolutely necessary and have occasionally made the trip without stopping at all. It never occurred to me that anyone did it any differently ... until I rode with Peggy. We made frequent stops along the way - stops to get something to drink, then stops to go "potty" because we had stopped to get something to drink. We also took the "scenic" route to Panama City - I saw small, out-of-the-way places in Florida that I never even knew existed. This included an outlet mall where we stopped to shop for tennis shoes and to browse in a paper store for things we didn't need but that might be on sale. I have to admit that after about five hours I began to wonder if we were really going to the beach! I really enjoyed the time with Peggy though and wouldn't have traded the experience for anything. We did a lot of talking and even more laughing which I soon realized was going to be the norm for the next couple of days.
When we got close to Panama City we called Janie and Susie to let them know we were almost there. They were shopping and asked if we wanted them to pick up anything for us. I told them I would like a bottle of White Zinfindel wine if they didn't mind getting it. They stayed on the phone while they walked around the store looking for it. After a few minutes they told us they were looking at some wine that said White Zinfindel on the bottle but they didn't think that could be what I wanted because it was pink! Needless to say that brought quite a bit of laughter from both Peggy and me, and we didn't let them live it down anytime soon. We hadn't even arrived at the resort and I had already laughed more that day than I had laughed in an entire year. I decided agreeing to this trip had definitely been the right decision.
The talking, fun, and laughter continued throughout the trip. It didn't matter where we were - in the room, by the pool, in the car, at a restaurant - we constantly found something to laugh about. On our second day, Susie and I took a ferry to Shell Island while Janie and Peggy went shopping. We looked like the typical tourists lugging our chairs, beach bags, and coolers across the bridge to the beach side of the island. We set up right on the edge of the water, sat in our chairs, talked, ate, drank, read, and relaxed. We totally lost track of time. After a while Susie and I both looked around and realized we were the only ones on the beach. Everyone who had ridden over on the ferry with us was gone! There was a second of panic thinking we might actually be stranded before we saw the next load of people from the boat coming across the bridge. Of course Janie and Peggy got a big kick out of that story when we got back to the hotel.
That night after dinner I decided to take a walk down the pier. No one else really wanted to go, so I went by myself. By this point doing things alone definitely didn't bother me, but (thankfully) my friends cared about my safety. Before I left they made sure I had my cell phone with me and made me promise to get back to the hotel before it got dark. Of course I didn't get back "on time" and as soon as it started to get dark my phone rang - it was Janie, standing on the balcony of our room, checking to make sure I was alright. If it had been my mother checking on me I probably would have been aggravated, but because it was a friend it was somehow okay.
I took my share of "ribbing" on the trip, especially from Susie. I've never been one who was able to get ready quickly and Susie enjoyed making an issue of this. She teased me every time we had to get ready to go somewhere. She claimed she could shower, dry her hair, iron her clothes, and get dressed before I ever got out of the shower. I had to agree that I would stop getting ready when everyone else was finished, even it meant I only had make-up on half of my face! I told them if it didn't bother them it wouldn't bother me (yeah - right).
The trip was over way too quickly. For the first time in over a year I had genuinely relaxed and enjoyed myself. If I had a "bucket list" I could have easily marked off one thing - to laugh until I cry. I learned something very important during those three days and nights ... I didn't just want to survive, I wanted to live again. Thank you Janie, Peggy, and Susie - I love you!
"Heart Gifts" by Helen Steiner Rice
It's not the things that can be bought
That are life's richest treasures,
It's just the little "heart gifts"
That money cannot measure.
A cheerful smile, a friendly word,
A sympathetic nod,
Are priceless little treasures
From the storehouse of our God.
They are the things that can't be bought
With silver or with gold,
For thoughtfulness and kindness
And love are never sold.
They are the priceless things in life
For which no one can pay,
And the giver finds rich recompense
In giving them away.
Janie and Susie rode together and left Sunday morning. I waited until Peggy got out of church and rode with her so she wouldn't have to make the trip alone. Normally when I go to the beach, I'm on a mission to get there as quickly as possible. I only stop when absolutely necessary and have occasionally made the trip without stopping at all. It never occurred to me that anyone did it any differently ... until I rode with Peggy. We made frequent stops along the way - stops to get something to drink, then stops to go "potty" because we had stopped to get something to drink. We also took the "scenic" route to Panama City - I saw small, out-of-the-way places in Florida that I never even knew existed. This included an outlet mall where we stopped to shop for tennis shoes and to browse in a paper store for things we didn't need but that might be on sale. I have to admit that after about five hours I began to wonder if we were really going to the beach! I really enjoyed the time with Peggy though and wouldn't have traded the experience for anything. We did a lot of talking and even more laughing which I soon realized was going to be the norm for the next couple of days.
When we got close to Panama City we called Janie and Susie to let them know we were almost there. They were shopping and asked if we wanted them to pick up anything for us. I told them I would like a bottle of White Zinfindel wine if they didn't mind getting it. They stayed on the phone while they walked around the store looking for it. After a few minutes they told us they were looking at some wine that said White Zinfindel on the bottle but they didn't think that could be what I wanted because it was pink! Needless to say that brought quite a bit of laughter from both Peggy and me, and we didn't let them live it down anytime soon. We hadn't even arrived at the resort and I had already laughed more that day than I had laughed in an entire year. I decided agreeing to this trip had definitely been the right decision.
The talking, fun, and laughter continued throughout the trip. It didn't matter where we were - in the room, by the pool, in the car, at a restaurant - we constantly found something to laugh about. On our second day, Susie and I took a ferry to Shell Island while Janie and Peggy went shopping. We looked like the typical tourists lugging our chairs, beach bags, and coolers across the bridge to the beach side of the island. We set up right on the edge of the water, sat in our chairs, talked, ate, drank, read, and relaxed. We totally lost track of time. After a while Susie and I both looked around and realized we were the only ones on the beach. Everyone who had ridden over on the ferry with us was gone! There was a second of panic thinking we might actually be stranded before we saw the next load of people from the boat coming across the bridge. Of course Janie and Peggy got a big kick out of that story when we got back to the hotel.
That night after dinner I decided to take a walk down the pier. No one else really wanted to go, so I went by myself. By this point doing things alone definitely didn't bother me, but (thankfully) my friends cared about my safety. Before I left they made sure I had my cell phone with me and made me promise to get back to the hotel before it got dark. Of course I didn't get back "on time" and as soon as it started to get dark my phone rang - it was Janie, standing on the balcony of our room, checking to make sure I was alright. If it had been my mother checking on me I probably would have been aggravated, but because it was a friend it was somehow okay.
I took my share of "ribbing" on the trip, especially from Susie. I've never been one who was able to get ready quickly and Susie enjoyed making an issue of this. She teased me every time we had to get ready to go somewhere. She claimed she could shower, dry her hair, iron her clothes, and get dressed before I ever got out of the shower. I had to agree that I would stop getting ready when everyone else was finished, even it meant I only had make-up on half of my face! I told them if it didn't bother them it wouldn't bother me (yeah - right).
The trip was over way too quickly. For the first time in over a year I had genuinely relaxed and enjoyed myself. If I had a "bucket list" I could have easily marked off one thing - to laugh until I cry. I learned something very important during those three days and nights ... I didn't just want to survive, I wanted to live again. Thank you Janie, Peggy, and Susie - I love you!
"Heart Gifts" by Helen Steiner Rice
It's not the things that can be bought
That are life's richest treasures,
It's just the little "heart gifts"
That money cannot measure.
A cheerful smile, a friendly word,
A sympathetic nod,
Are priceless little treasures
From the storehouse of our God.
They are the things that can't be bought
With silver or with gold,
For thoughtfulness and kindness
And love are never sold.
They are the priceless things in life
For which no one can pay,
And the giver finds rich recompense
In giving them away.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Making a House a Home
About a year after Eddie's death, I decided it was time to make some changes to the house. Up until then, I had left everything exactly as it was when Eddie was alive. We built the house in 1989 and it had been our home for 20 years. During the first year after his death I didn't feel right about changing anything - it seemed like I would have been betraying him in some way. In time though I realized that if I was going to stay in the house I had to make it more mine and less ours. It wasn't that I wanted to get rid of memories of Eddie or to do away with things that he liked. I just needed to change things so the house would reflect me instead of us.
The original wallpaper in the kitchen and both bathrooms came down and was replaced with brown and green paint. I changed throw rugs throughout the house, rearranged furniture, and put up new curtains. I bought new wall pictures for every room and put out lots of flower arrangements and candles. I think I personally kept Pier I, Kirklands, and Kohls in business for a few months! I felt a little twinge of regret each time I removed something old, but I also felt a sense of hope when I added something new. I became a little more comfortable in the house with every change. In time it began to feel like a home again - my home.
I've continued to make changes over the past two years. I gave Eddie's big leather recliner to Trey and replaced it with a smaller one more suited to me. The deer head that hung over our fireplace for 20 years is now proudly displayed in Trey's home. I've replaced the stove and dishwasher in the kitchen and the television in the living room. I have a dinette set in the kitchen and a living room table that my grandmother gave me, and I kept an antique secretary and grandfather clock that belonged to Eddie's grandparents.
Now I have a good mixture of items that represent both the past and the present. My home is a combination of what was his, what was ours, and what is now mine. I replaced material things, but the memories will always be here. The big difference is that I have something I can be comfortable with. What was just a house for the first year after Eddie died is once again a home.
"Memories are treasures that time cannot destroy. They are the happy pathway to yesterday's bright joy."
-Helen Steiner Rice
The original wallpaper in the kitchen and both bathrooms came down and was replaced with brown and green paint. I changed throw rugs throughout the house, rearranged furniture, and put up new curtains. I bought new wall pictures for every room and put out lots of flower arrangements and candles. I think I personally kept Pier I, Kirklands, and Kohls in business for a few months! I felt a little twinge of regret each time I removed something old, but I also felt a sense of hope when I added something new. I became a little more comfortable in the house with every change. In time it began to feel like a home again - my home.
I've continued to make changes over the past two years. I gave Eddie's big leather recliner to Trey and replaced it with a smaller one more suited to me. The deer head that hung over our fireplace for 20 years is now proudly displayed in Trey's home. I've replaced the stove and dishwasher in the kitchen and the television in the living room. I have a dinette set in the kitchen and a living room table that my grandmother gave me, and I kept an antique secretary and grandfather clock that belonged to Eddie's grandparents.
Now I have a good mixture of items that represent both the past and the present. My home is a combination of what was his, what was ours, and what is now mine. I replaced material things, but the memories will always be here. The big difference is that I have something I can be comfortable with. What was just a house for the first year after Eddie died is once again a home.
"Memories are treasures that time cannot destroy. They are the happy pathway to yesterday's bright joy."
-Helen Steiner Rice
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Christmas Changes
It's hard to believe, but another Christmas has come and gone. This was the third one without Eddie, and each has been different. I expected the first one to be hard, hoped the second one would be a little easier, and didn't know what to expect this year. Of course I was right about the first year - it was a very difficult, emotional time. I didn't want to decorate, shop, bake, or do any of the things I had done in the past. I managed a scaled back version of all of these things because of Trey and Emily. If it hadn't been for them I probably would have skipped Christmas altogether. We had a lot of company on Christmas Eve that year which helped. Then Trey, Emily, Mama, and Daddy all spent the night. Emily had her Santa Claus Christmas morning, and that kept us all busy. As the day went on though everyone gradually left, and I spent Christmas night alone for the first time in my life. It was then that I gave in to a little period of self pity, which I think is okay as long as you don't do it too often or for too long.
I had read and heard from others that the second year after a loss is sometimes harder than the first, so I tried to prepare for that. I wouldn't say the second Christmas was any harder, but it wasn't easier either - it was just different. This time we were having Emily's Santa Claus and all of our company on Christmas day, so no one spent the night on Christmas Eve (though Mama did offer). Again I did something for the first time in my life - I woke up alone on Christmas morning. I know there are plenty of people who do that every year, but when it happens for the first time in 49 years it's a very lonely, empty feeling. Of course, once everyone arrived the rest of the day was very busy so there wasn't time for self pity, which was a good thing.
No one ever says anything about the third year after a loss, so I was on my own to find out what this Christmas would be like. I took it as a good sign that I wanted to decorate more than in the past two years, and I certainly didn't scale back my shopping this year! I also made a decision to do something special for Trey, which ended up helping me a great deal in the process. I put together a photo album of Eddie starting with our wedding day. I spent hours going through old pictures deciding which ones to include. This was the first time since his death that I had really looked at pictures of him (other than the ones around the house), and I actually found myself smiling and even laughing at some of the memories. I didn't want the album to be depressing for Trey, so I wrote a lot of funny captions and added some silly stickers to the pictures. Once I finished, I looked at the album from beginning to end several times before I wrapped it. The memories brought tears to my eyes but made me feel good at the same time. I gave the album to Trey on Christmas Eve while Eddie's dad was here so they could look at it together. Of course it made them cry, but they also shared some laughter, which I think was good for both of them.
The big difference in this Christmas was that we spent Christmas morning at Trey's house. Another first for me since we'd had Christmas at our house from the time Trey was born 27 years ago. It was a good change though because it gave us the chance to start making new memories in a new place. Sometimes traditions need to be changed after a loss, and I think it made Trey proud to have us in his home Christmas morning. There was a lot to be thankful for with my 96 year old grandmother, my mother, my father, Trey, and Emily all there - five generations together at the same time isn't something that many people get to experience. I know these are new, happy Christmas memories that we will all cherish for the rest of our lives.
"Every day we live is a priceless gift of God, loaded with possibilities to learn something new, to gain fresh insights." Dale Evans Rogers
"This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 112:24
"Today is unique. It has never occurred before and it will never be repeated. At midnight it will end, quietly, suddenly, totally. Forever. But the hours between now and then are opportunities with eternal possibilities." Charles Swindoll
I had read and heard from others that the second year after a loss is sometimes harder than the first, so I tried to prepare for that. I wouldn't say the second Christmas was any harder, but it wasn't easier either - it was just different. This time we were having Emily's Santa Claus and all of our company on Christmas day, so no one spent the night on Christmas Eve (though Mama did offer). Again I did something for the first time in my life - I woke up alone on Christmas morning. I know there are plenty of people who do that every year, but when it happens for the first time in 49 years it's a very lonely, empty feeling. Of course, once everyone arrived the rest of the day was very busy so there wasn't time for self pity, which was a good thing.
No one ever says anything about the third year after a loss, so I was on my own to find out what this Christmas would be like. I took it as a good sign that I wanted to decorate more than in the past two years, and I certainly didn't scale back my shopping this year! I also made a decision to do something special for Trey, which ended up helping me a great deal in the process. I put together a photo album of Eddie starting with our wedding day. I spent hours going through old pictures deciding which ones to include. This was the first time since his death that I had really looked at pictures of him (other than the ones around the house), and I actually found myself smiling and even laughing at some of the memories. I didn't want the album to be depressing for Trey, so I wrote a lot of funny captions and added some silly stickers to the pictures. Once I finished, I looked at the album from beginning to end several times before I wrapped it. The memories brought tears to my eyes but made me feel good at the same time. I gave the album to Trey on Christmas Eve while Eddie's dad was here so they could look at it together. Of course it made them cry, but they also shared some laughter, which I think was good for both of them.
The big difference in this Christmas was that we spent Christmas morning at Trey's house. Another first for me since we'd had Christmas at our house from the time Trey was born 27 years ago. It was a good change though because it gave us the chance to start making new memories in a new place. Sometimes traditions need to be changed after a loss, and I think it made Trey proud to have us in his home Christmas morning. There was a lot to be thankful for with my 96 year old grandmother, my mother, my father, Trey, and Emily all there - five generations together at the same time isn't something that many people get to experience. I know these are new, happy Christmas memories that we will all cherish for the rest of our lives.
"Every day we live is a priceless gift of God, loaded with possibilities to learn something new, to gain fresh insights." Dale Evans Rogers
"This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 112:24
"Today is unique. It has never occurred before and it will never be repeated. At midnight it will end, quietly, suddenly, totally. Forever. But the hours between now and then are opportunities with eternal possibilities." Charles Swindoll
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Moving Forward
I went back last night and for the first time read what I've written from the beginning. There's been so much else going on lately that I couldn't remember where I left off in telling my original story. I was surprised to find that reading it all wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I cried a few times. I even laughed a couple of times. But mostly I just remembered, and as I read I realized how far I've come since "that night". I know that I'm still not over what happened, and I probably never will be. I really don't think you ever get over losing someone you love. Actually I'm not even sure what being "over" it means. It's not like reading a book or watching a movie. When those are over you're finished with them. You don't dwell on them, and they don't stay with you for the rest of your life. But life isn't a book or a movie - when a loved one dies, we're not finished with them. They do stay with us for the rest of our life. They become a part of who and what we are, and that's a good thing. So getting over what happened isn't a goal of mine anymore.
My two goals when I started writing were to help myself move forward with my life and to possibly help others who might be going through something similar in their lives. I think I've made a great deal of progress toward the first goal. Writing about what happened, what it did to me, what I did and said, how I felt and still feel has truly helped me. I've written things that I never shared with anyone before - not my family, not my closest friends, not even the counselor or pastor I was seeing. Sharing these things has lightened some of the burden I was carrying and has allowed me to start moving on with my life - not my life as it was before but a new life. I know I can benefit from continuing to write though because I'm not where I want to be yet. Hopefully I'll know when I get there!
Sometime in the near future I would like to focus more on the second goal. I've heard from people over the past few months who have read what I've written. Some of them have told me that something I said inspired them or gave them strength. Some said they were just relieved to find out someone else thought or felt the same as they did. Others have shared similar experiences they had in their life. I'm thankful for any little bit of good my story has done for someone else, and I would like to find a way to do more. I don't have a counseling degree, so I can't professionally counsel others (and at this point I don't have any plans of going back to school for another degree!). But I would like to speak to individuals or groups about alcoholism, suicide, or both. I want to continue to share my story in the hope that my experience will help someone else. The thought that something good can possibly come out of something so bad helps me keep moving forward.
The Lord says, "Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now shall it spring forth; shall you not know it?" Isaiah 43:18-19 NKJV
I'm eager to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by yours. In this way, each of us will be a blessing to the other. Romans 1:12 NLT
My two goals when I started writing were to help myself move forward with my life and to possibly help others who might be going through something similar in their lives. I think I've made a great deal of progress toward the first goal. Writing about what happened, what it did to me, what I did and said, how I felt and still feel has truly helped me. I've written things that I never shared with anyone before - not my family, not my closest friends, not even the counselor or pastor I was seeing. Sharing these things has lightened some of the burden I was carrying and has allowed me to start moving on with my life - not my life as it was before but a new life. I know I can benefit from continuing to write though because I'm not where I want to be yet. Hopefully I'll know when I get there!
Sometime in the near future I would like to focus more on the second goal. I've heard from people over the past few months who have read what I've written. Some of them have told me that something I said inspired them or gave them strength. Some said they were just relieved to find out someone else thought or felt the same as they did. Others have shared similar experiences they had in their life. I'm thankful for any little bit of good my story has done for someone else, and I would like to find a way to do more. I don't have a counseling degree, so I can't professionally counsel others (and at this point I don't have any plans of going back to school for another degree!). But I would like to speak to individuals or groups about alcoholism, suicide, or both. I want to continue to share my story in the hope that my experience will help someone else. The thought that something good can possibly come out of something so bad helps me keep moving forward.
The Lord says, "Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now shall it spring forth; shall you not know it?" Isaiah 43:18-19 NKJV
I'm eager to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by yours. In this way, each of us will be a blessing to the other. Romans 1:12 NLT
Friday, November 25, 2011
The Head of the Table
One down (Thanksgiving), three more to go (Christmas, anniversary, New Year's). I actually did pretty well on the first one. We had our family get-together Wednesday instead of Thursdy. Trey, his girlfriend Candace, Emily, my mother, my dad, and my grandmother were all here. We had the traditional Thanksgiving meal (and way too much of it). My mother came early to help me cook. I had intended to let her help, but once I started cooking I just kept doing everything myself. I've found that I get through these days better if I stay busy. I only had two difficult moments, and thankfully they were brief. The first was when we stood in the kitchen to pray before eating. I remembered the Thanksgiving after Eddie came home from rehab. That day we went around the room and everyone told something they were thankful for. I remember Eddie saying simply "I'm thankful to be alive." My second moment came when we went in the dining room to sit down. I assumed Trey would sit at the head of the table, but when I walked in he was sitting on the side between Emily and Candace. The only empty chair was the one where Eddie always sat, so I sat there, even though I didn't want to. I realized that no matter how much I like to be in control and in charge of things, I don't want to be at the head of the table.
Since we'd had our Thanksgiving on Wednesday, we didn't get together again Thursday. I stayed home and decided to get started on my Christmas decorating. The first Christmas after Eddie died, I really didn't want to decorate at all. I would have liked to just skip the holiday altogether. I knew that wasn't possible though because of Trey and Emily, so I put up a tree, decorated the mantle, and hung wreaths on the doors. It was so much less than what I normally did, but it was the best I could manage. Last Christmas I did a little more but not much. This year I spent all day yesterday and all day today decorating. When I finally finished I was surprised at how much I had done. I hadn't started out to do much more than last year, but I kept seeing "just one more thing" I wanted to do. Before I realized it I had decorated almost as much as I used to. Hopefully this is a sign that Christmas will be a little better this year just as Thanksgiving was ... as long as I don't have to sit at the head of the table.
Be Glad by Helen Steiner Rice
Be glad that your life has been full and complete,
Be glad that you've tasted the bitter and sweet.
Be glad that you've walked in sunshine and rain,
Be glad that you've felt both pleasure and pain.
Be glad that you've had such a full, happy life,
Be glad for your joy as well as your strife.
Be glad that you've walked with courage each day,
Be glad you've had strength for each step of the way.
Be glad for the comfort that you've found in prayer.
Be glad for god's blessings, His love, and His care.
Since we'd had our Thanksgiving on Wednesday, we didn't get together again Thursday. I stayed home and decided to get started on my Christmas decorating. The first Christmas after Eddie died, I really didn't want to decorate at all. I would have liked to just skip the holiday altogether. I knew that wasn't possible though because of Trey and Emily, so I put up a tree, decorated the mantle, and hung wreaths on the doors. It was so much less than what I normally did, but it was the best I could manage. Last Christmas I did a little more but not much. This year I spent all day yesterday and all day today decorating. When I finally finished I was surprised at how much I had done. I hadn't started out to do much more than last year, but I kept seeing "just one more thing" I wanted to do. Before I realized it I had decorated almost as much as I used to. Hopefully this is a sign that Christmas will be a little better this year just as Thanksgiving was ... as long as I don't have to sit at the head of the table.
Be Glad by Helen Steiner Rice
Be glad that your life has been full and complete,
Be glad that you've tasted the bitter and sweet.
Be glad that you've walked in sunshine and rain,
Be glad that you've felt both pleasure and pain.
Be glad that you've had such a full, happy life,
Be glad for your joy as well as your strife.
Be glad that you've walked with courage each day,
Be glad you've had strength for each step of the way.
Be glad for the comfort that you've found in prayer.
Be glad for god's blessings, His love, and His care.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
The Meaning of Prayer
I still think about Eddie every day, but he's been on my mind much more than usual this past week. I know part of it is the time of year. My birthday was last month, Thanksgiving is this week, then there's Christmas, our anniversary, and New Year's. This is always a difficult stretch to get through. But it's also because three years ago this past week I spent five days and nights with Eddie at the rehab center in Statesboro. We came home the Sunday before Thanksgiving. I remember the time spent there like it was yesterday. I remember every class we attended, every meeting we went to, every speaker we heard, every movie we watched, every counseling session we had both separately and together. I learned things that week that I never knew before. I heard stories that I would have preferred not to hear. I told things to total strangers that I had never told my own family. I will remember that time for the rest of my life. It had a very strong, lasting, positive effect on me.
Every meeting in rehab began with the Serenity Prayer and ended with the Lord's Prayer. Of course I knew both of them and had said them many times in my life. But I realized that up until that week I had only been reciting the prayers. I had never really thought about the words and their meaning. I know now that no matter how many times I said them, there is one line of each prayer I was never able to follow - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and Thy will be done. In all the years of my marriage I never accepted that it wasn't up to me to change Eddie's behavior. I was convinced I could make Eddie want to stop drinking. I thought that if I kept at it I could eventually make a difference. It was all about my will and what I wanted to be done. Now I know there are some things we simply cannot change or maybe that just aren't meant to be changed.
I don't like what I've learned. I don't like the things I've had to accept. I would much rather be in control of every aspect of my life. My family and friends tease me about being "OCD" because of the extreme order I keep in my house and in my classroom. I know I'm excessive about some of it, but in some ways I think this is a result of what I've been through. I wasn't able to control what happened with Eddie, so I've looked for other things in my life that I can control. I know the next six weeks aren't going to be easy, but I'll try to accept them for what they are and make the best of the time I have with the rest of my family. Maybe I'm realizing the meaning of the last line of the Serenity Prayer - the wisdom to know the difference - between what I can and cannot change.
"In this manner, therefore pray: Our Father in heaven, hallowed be Your name ..."
The Model Prayer - Matthew 6:9-13
Every meeting in rehab began with the Serenity Prayer and ended with the Lord's Prayer. Of course I knew both of them and had said them many times in my life. But I realized that up until that week I had only been reciting the prayers. I had never really thought about the words and their meaning. I know now that no matter how many times I said them, there is one line of each prayer I was never able to follow - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and Thy will be done. In all the years of my marriage I never accepted that it wasn't up to me to change Eddie's behavior. I was convinced I could make Eddie want to stop drinking. I thought that if I kept at it I could eventually make a difference. It was all about my will and what I wanted to be done. Now I know there are some things we simply cannot change or maybe that just aren't meant to be changed.
I don't like what I've learned. I don't like the things I've had to accept. I would much rather be in control of every aspect of my life. My family and friends tease me about being "OCD" because of the extreme order I keep in my house and in my classroom. I know I'm excessive about some of it, but in some ways I think this is a result of what I've been through. I wasn't able to control what happened with Eddie, so I've looked for other things in my life that I can control. I know the next six weeks aren't going to be easy, but I'll try to accept them for what they are and make the best of the time I have with the rest of my family. Maybe I'm realizing the meaning of the last line of the Serenity Prayer - the wisdom to know the difference - between what I can and cannot change.
"In this manner, therefore pray: Our Father in heaven, hallowed be Your name ..."
The Model Prayer - Matthew 6:9-13
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)